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Worthless... I've always felt that I jinx myself every time things start to shape up and I let myself become enthusiastic and truly happy about moving even the slightest bit forward. But I don't ever let that fear stall my feelings and what I do, because it feels too exciting.
I don't ask for handout nor do I expect them, I simply want the chance to do things the right way. Because that is how I am. I don't like shortcuts. I don't like easy paths because they are misleading and I do not trust them.
This feeling is alluring, intoxicating and it scares the living hell out of me because of so many past failed attempts. Unsuccessful so many times that I tore my being down, and left me at the brink of just giving up various, but I keep trying. I have to. I've made a promise and I have goals and dreams for more than just myself. And everything I try and do is for those milestones to be met.
There's not a lot of encouragement I can attest to in my life, nor support. Extreme criticisms and down-talking from people that never really cared enough not even to relate to the issues I had. Very few genuine friends that I can list just standing by me while I go through these things. But THAT has given me strength and will to push through as I was being kicked on the ground.
I keep moving, trying. Fighting. Crying. Smiling, Breathing through all the things that make me feel like my life is best left at zero then being another's burden. Appreciating those that just were there for me for my smile and not for what I could do for them. Who I've been to them has never changed, and they accept that.
So I can keep trying and pushing through the crap I get dealt, with hopes that how I am will prove to be who I was always meant to be.
And when I do succeed, I can smile and maybe breathe a sigh of relief in being able to take care and do the things I wish for those I care for.
Because that's all I want with every breath, and because all this...
This... is me.
[Verse 1]
I'm not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
'Cause we don't want your broken parts
I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one will love you as you are
[Pre-Chorus]
But I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious
[Chorus]
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am great, I am proof
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come!
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me!
[Verse 2]
Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away 'cause today, won't let this [?] me in
We are bursting through the barricades
And reach above the sun (we are glorious)
Yeah, that's what we'll become
[Pre-Chorus]
Won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious
[Chorus]
When the sharpest words wanna put me down
Gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am great, I am proof
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
[Post-Chorus]
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh
This is me
[Bridge]
And I'm going on to [?]
[?] nothing, I'm not glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
This is great, this is proof
This is who I'm meant to be, this is me
[Chorus]
Look out 'cause here I come (look out 'cause here I come)
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum (marching on, marching, marching on)
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
[Outro]
(Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh)
I'm gonna send a flood
Gonna drown them out
(Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh, this is me)
Sometimes the greatest adversary one can face is actually themselves, feelings as simple as doubt and fear can affect your mind and soul, giving you negative and defeatist thoughts and feelings. Sometimes its not you against the world, it is you against you and it can be an almost eternal struggle. Though with determination and clear and focused goals, it is relatively easy to fight and conquer. Both optimism and pessimism have their pros and cons, so its best to just be a little of both.
Then you'll love the rest of my rather long journal history. Enjoy.
08:21 Nov 06 2017 Times Read: 741
#TAKEYOURCHILDSBOOKSAWAY
Allow me this moment to share this particular bit of info:
When your 8 year old child decides that they don't like and do not want to continue violin lessons at school, the absolute fucking PROPER way to punish them, (because this requires punishment) is NOT to take away their tv, because they like watching cartoons. It is NOT to take away their radio because they enjoy music. It is NOT to take away their books from their room because they enjoy reading. It is NOT to take away their newly gifted pokemon cards because they LOVE to sort and play with them.
The proper fucking punishment, for an 8 year old girl who finds the violin challenging, is to in fact... DO ALL FUCKING FOUR of the above listed.
What kind of world is this? Just what dictates what happens and what doesn't in it? The things within this existence keep surprising me, luckily, where I normally would be bored with knowing the outcome of a situation. But... to do the things I keep finding myself doing, because I am a parent. That is the real honor of knowing what your limits are. How? How do I muster the strength and patience to counsel another? More specifically, how I am to counsel and advise one of the very people that facilitated the current situation in the first place... to be patient. That time is our only hope and friend. That in the 9 years I've had to be patient, try, fail, try again, fail once more. Try... and finally make some sort of progress where my daughter is concerned, I have to counsel you, to be patient and that I understand what not seeing my daughter entails and feels like. I know you didn't see her near a year. I know you don't see her at family events... I know you didn't see her on Halloween.
I know...
Because I did not see her either. But where I am now... is so much better than where I was. So be patient. I have been. Through tears, through every school event imaginable. Every holiday you can name... I have been patient. Fuck man... SHE"S been patient. And not only has she been patient... she apologized for not being able to see me. That is what we deal with. I live this. Yet... I'm to tell you that patience is your only option. Because you didn't have an inkling of what pain I had endured, till now... You almost don't even acknowledge it, as your tears flow and dampen your words towards me. I know your pain, I know it... just a little too well. And you're not even her parent. So... be patient. I have.
Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results..... can be insanity or it can be determination, at some point those lines will blur so be prepared for a time where you either have to stop or do something different.
Oh change has started. It was starting to seem like insanity, but change has come about from doing what I've needed to do. Fucking time and hardships are a bit of a bitch. lol
Here's a freebie.
19:20 Nov 02 2017 Times Read: 767
"The more you hurt someone the less helpful they become." ~ Star Trek: Discovery - Season 1 Ep 5
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